I’ve been yearning to return for a while now. For so many years I wrote uninhibited and yet over the last few I’ve felt that part of me closed and restricted.
I return with a small step forward. In a bid to process where I am in this healing journey. This year has presented me with so many opportunities to step into healing – awareness.
In my last post, I spoke about the iron core, and armor that has protected me for many years. And since then I’ve been trying, every day to take piece by piece off. To find a willingness to be open, to embrace my vulnerability and to acknowledge what I need in order to heal from my past. Some days the armor is fortified, and on others I feel naked and empowered by my inner resolve to face it all with grace and love.
All of which wouldn’t be possible without my support network. I am so deeply grateful for those who stand beside me.
I’ve been going through a restorative justice process to address the sexual abuse that occurred throughout my childhood. And in many ways, as much as I want to talk about it – sharing insights to reflect upon later. I find it difficult to muster the energy or focus to really write how I feel. This is a common trend, and I really hope to break it. It is part of acknowledging how difficult it is to sit with everything I feel and validate emotions that aren’t pretty. There is a part of me, so deeply conditioned to find the silver lining in every situation. To bypass feelings that I associate as negative and jump to acceptance or compassion instead of acknowledging when something is actually just shitty. I am not okay with not being okay. And I put immense pressure on myself to always rise above and hold things at bay – temporarily putting things on hold. Again and again, returning to these memories and feelings I didn’t/wasn’t able to process in the moment. Under the guise of, never enough time, or having to stay strong for others, or feeling like I will never return or survive the onslaught if I let down the dam walls.
And that’s okay too. I guess in some weird way, the awareness here is progress. And I have a willingness to create new pathways, as soon as I can. Step by step…