I am self-projected….

I am learning to love my self projected authority.

Human design is an amazing tool for tapping into our higher selves, authentic selves and living true to our genetic and spiritual design.

I spent two days over the weekend, at a HD workshop.  Rave ABC’s.

I was one of two projectors, among, two generators, four manifesting generators and one Manifester – led by the most amazing reflector.

Learning to unpack my design. To feel into my definition, to gaze upon both my unconscious design as others see me (and as I am learning to see myself) and the conscious personality design (which I think I am). The difference in body and mind. Two different designs and paths, that are held together in a forced marriage governed by the monopole of our G-Centre.

On one side I look at my personality design…..the black lines that run through my rave chart. There is no definition, and I perceive myself as a reflector….. vast and open like the oceans and cosmos…..

Hanging gates that symbolize aspects of myself that I ‘think are me’. Yet still no definition. And at first when I look upon this I feel a deep sense of sadness….. a melancholy that sweeps over me. For I acknowledge my openness and feel as though there is no anchor within me life. Barely anything to consistently hold onto. Just areas throughout my whole body where I am prone to influence, and conditioning from others….. In this vastness and openness, if I let myself ride the wave I feel so lost. I lose myself….floating in the tides and surges….unsure, unclear, uncertain….

I don’t know if how I feel, in regards to this sadness and melancholy….is OK? Why does it bother me in this way? I need to sit longer with those hanging gates and look at the centers that they stem from in order to make sense of this picture. To come to accept it. Because I am an incredibly open being and this is my design. My mind…..is well aware of it.

But what sits on the other side, in opposition to this…is an unconscious red system that flows through me. It is the image of me that everyone in my life connects to…..Although unconscious it is something I am learning to integrate, acknowledge and really honor within myself. It is the part of my design that I can rely on, that drives me, that plays the part of anchor where often I feel so lost….

This aspect of my design I feel connected to, I am aware and open to it. Even when I feel resistance….or unsure….or not confident in living this truth, it will always be there. And people will always see and remind me of it. This is where my definition lay. With my throat, and my G-centre firmly connected via the 20-10. The channel of awakening. The 10 representing the gate of personal behaviors….which in my design comes around five times…. connected to the 20 which is the gate of NOW from the throat. “I am myself NOW” is something I am still edging towards….there is much de-conditioning to do in order to stand strong with this one….

Self awakening. Rising from my slumber…..pushing through the sleepiness that has followed me throughout my life as I have chosen to drown out the pain and suffering. The trauma that has pushed and pulled me through life until now….

In my unconscious design, my body. It is my G-centre, especially as a self authority projector….that guides me, that I am learning to trust deeply….my spiritual heart and higher self that guides me. There is so much depth and love that sits here. I place my hand over my chest and feel…..this is a place of home….that I must constantly return to. Over and Over again. It is the ONLY thing I can rely on being there for me. It is the light among the dark which I search for, time and time again….and the feeling of knowing, trusting and surrendering as a passenger….to this magnetic pulling to and of pulling to me….I travel through life with a flow that is awfully unique. Against the currents of homogeneity.

I am barely scratching the surface with my journey and experimenting with human design. And I am here for the long haul…..in my own timing. I am eager to sit with my chart and dive deeper and deeper into my design so that this life can flow with an ease I’ve never known before. Via strategy and authority I can trust that I am where I need to be…..and that I will engage in the causes that are correct for me, and move away gracefully from those that do not serve my higher self.

I have been meeting parts of myself that run through the individual circuitry. Where empowerment sits at the centre. And i am reminded dearly that this circuit has an energy movement that I am yet to fully acknowledge. I must honor my pulse. The pulse of individuality, as it is either now or not….. is or isn’t on….. and with this I sat with a realisation and another sadness….for recognising the behaviours in my life….governed by this pulse, and the mind of my design which has constantly told me that something is wrong when this pulse…..is not on…..when it is drawing back the tides of my life-force…..and I have sat in the deepest darkest…..empty ocean of my life. Over and Over, and the more that it has occurred the deeper and darker it has been. Leading my mind to believe that parts of me are/were broken. That this is me…..and that there is no hope of life again. This pulse when it returns to the source, brewing up a growth period for me is disguised as suicidality and the need to leave this uncomfortable place. Sitting with this realisation, tears well up in me….as I process….and hope dearly that if the pulse ever draws out again as it did earlier this year….I will never lose hope or sight/awareness that this is just part of my design and it has its own timing. This is a time for creativity…..and waiting patiently….. of just being myself…..just being…. observing myself, focusing and waiting for the pulse of life to kick start me into the next realm.

There are so many aspects of the individuality circuit that are points of strength, and excitement, and celebration. I will acknowledge that. I am just sitting with a grief at the moment, and hoping that this too will pass….and the opportunity to grow and step into my design fully will allow me to always honor and respect the life that I was given. Regardless of where the pulse is……

Next, I draw my attention to the collective circuit group. Of which I have no channels, only hanging gates from the G-centre and the Root. I spend time focusing on the logic and understanding circuit within the collective, and found a strength here. My mind and personality design, the 15th gate which hangs is my personality sun…..and it draws from the G-centre a knowing that I am here to return to my higher self, to trust the monopole, to guide, to direct, to love both the self and the collective……

The gate that hangs from my root is the 58, and the themes I’ve absorbed from the root as a pressure centre, is to move…..adrenal motivation to live, to love, a source of fuel for change. Also for seeing the patterns in things that need to be done…..

The collective circuit group is a visual sense, and the logic circuit focuses on the vision of a better future. Motivation for a better world……step by step, its movement is methodical and concentrated. And as I reflect on these two gates…. my job and purpose here is to concentrate on this vision of a better world….as a projector ‘see’ the vision, and then with this pressure, come back to myself….my own monopole and follow it….returning to my higher self…..to guide…..to think about connection, and place…..through space and time…..and to love…..and lead with love for the self and the collective. There are many messages here, that give me confidence that the work and growth I am doing is correct….even if it feels cliche…..my mind berates me…..and i return to my centre….and love it. I am reminded here of Marissa Peer, “I am enough”. We are all enough, and are seeking this reminder. From a place of love. Of guidance to a society, a world, a humanity that is better than now…..

One last reflection, was that as a self projector, the need for talking to process and make decisions – to come to a place of clarity is so vitally important. Especially over these learning workshops. I have been noticing that writing is fine, but not always as effective as my mind and hands get in the way of my truth…..self editing always present. The needing to correct when I type or write words incorrectly disrupts the flow of my self….

So the power of having people I can trust to talk to, who genuinely want to listen….is vital…I will hold stronger intentions, and openness out to the divine to allow this connection to happen naturally over the coming weekend. And I will connect without guilt….. I am still so new to this process….although it feels like returning home – something I’ve always known. It gives me comfort that what I’ve felt for so long, can be explained…. and is even deeper and more meaningful than I could have imagined….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shadows and Sunshine….

Shadows among sunshine,  Sunshine laced with shadows that follow. Arm in arm these two phenomena are inseparable.

June 2014 shortly after my 26th birthday I had ink etched into my skin. Marking as usual a momentous shift within. Inside and Outside. It reads, “Oh, what a life I’ve been given”

A statement I wear on my forearm – loud but not always proud. Many many times since then i’ve doubted my choice to etch such a prominent and visible reminder to myself and the world of the life I’ve been given. There is no regret….only curiosity as I ponder why….why this statement, what does it truly mean, and how do I wear it with pride?

A gift I’ve been given. A gift both received with open hands and smiles, but also likened to the gift you force a smile receiving. Saying thank you through gritted teeth and thinking, no, this isn’t what I wanted but being grateful anyway.

One day I sat on the bus heading to see my therapist. I sat with the realisations that I have a story to write, and that I desire for it to be in book form. I feel the sense of having to write, because i HAVE to, it seeps from me like a puncture you cannot find….and also because I have a willingness to share….

I want to share the wisdom I’ve learnt along the many paths I’ve traveled. You might not be ready and that’s OK too. The seeds I plant will grow in time. I am confident in this.

So what a life I’ve been given. Is the theme….a returning focal point. MY anchor. Deeply grounded in the seabed of gratitude. A culture of hating and embracing simultaneously the cards we are dealt along the journey of life.

People often ask me when I am in the public eye…..usually out of the blue “what does your tattoo say?” It is a cursive font and not easily read. I like it that way, although it prompts people to ask…..I guess that was one of my intentions. To engrave a conversation piece into my skin, for those rainy days…..a direct line into authenticity.

And when people ask me…..I usually spend many moments flustered and in panic, squirming in my skin trying to avoid answering, or getting clarity on whether I share truthfully or not. Do I have that right? To share deeply or to politely decline. Most people in my reflection will not expect what is about to arrive on their doorstep. Is it fair to deliver that without making sure they are ready?

One woman as I sat waiting for my therapist, coincidentally as I’d just finished writing this….these reflections….asked me within 30 seconds of my sitting down. “what does your tattoo say?” and as I squirmed in my chair, my uncertainty clearly visible she responded “”Oh, you don’t want to share?”

I had just written the opening piece to this story, what you have just read. I was still sitting with the question of whether this was something I want to share and how do I wear what I’ve etched into my skin with pride and strength, free from the silence of shame?

As I write this, I still don’t know the answer. Nor have I mastered this placement. I wonder if I ever will. We are always assessing what we are comfortable sharing in the public arena. I guess it stands. We don’t always have to share when we are asked. We should never feel pressured to divulge details with those who ask…..in fact the next lesson I am learning deeply from this is the act of discernment.

The desire to capture the wisdom absorbed from my journey is strong.

Funny that the desire rises when I am in the middle of the city. The public aura. Participating and feeding upon the hustle and bustle of peopel and movement. Rather than sitting alone at my desk, swayed and influenced by emotions and thoughts that crash upon my soul like tidal waves.

I have to honor my mentors and guides. The wisdom already paved that has served me well, and continues to do so. Torches in the night that illuminate what needs to be seen in order to navigate forward.

Life is not linear. Nor are any of our stories. Our minds replicate the spiral and we must learn to swing from it and upon it, with it alongside gratitude. Trust, faith, graititude, love, self reflection, responsibility, grief and loss, growth and accumulation.

I am far from perfect. Yet perfect in my imperfections.I take comfort in the shadows that follow me, attached and ever present but always changing. Morphing with perspective.  Shadows that have kept me warm, even the shadows which have gifted me coldness taught and strengthened me.

MY story is about finding passion. Speaking dearly of purpose and mission in ones life. The importance of finding this gem and polishing it like never before.

Holding tight to your dreams and visioning for a future you truly want. Our rational and controlling minds will always sweep those under the carpet at any chance it is given! Influenced by a society in need of healing and struggling to make ends meet. Taught to stay inside the box and punished for trying to climb out. The Matrix….unplug and reconnect with our true selves and divine power.

What am I learning from shame? How do I truly embody gratitude for abuse, trauma and suffering gifted to me in this lifetime?

I must not neglect the healing and happiness within my life either. Although my focus tends to naturally draw towards tough and challenging life experiences, it is because I allow these to fill me with a joy and appreciation. It is all about perspective and how we embrace our experiences that matter in the end.